We’re often taught that selfishness is a dirty word. It conjures images of greedy children hoarding toys or ruthless individuals stepping on others to get ahead. But what if I told you that, for those struggling with low self-esteem, a strategic dose of “selfishness” isn’t just okay, it’s absolutely essential for rebuilding your confidence?
It sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Especially for people with low self-esteem who often bend over backwards to please others, constantly seeking external validation. But here’s the truth: when your inner well is dry, pouring water into everyone else’s cup leaves you parched and even more depleted.
The Self-Esteem Drain: A Cycle of Giving and Depletion
Think about it. When you have low self-esteem, you often:
- Prioritise others’ needs above your own: Saying “yes” when you desperately want to say “no,” taking on extra work, or sacrificing your free time to help others.
- Fear disapproval: Leading you to avoid expressing your true opinions or setting boundaries.
- Seek validation externally: Constantly looking for praise, agreement, or appreciation from others to feel good about yourself.
- Over-apologise: Believing you’re inconveniencing others just by existing.
This isn’t kindness; it’s a self-perpetuating cycle of depletion. Every time you deny your own needs, ignore your own boundaries, or silence your own voice, you send a powerful message to your subconscious: “My needs don’t matter. My feelings aren’t important. I am less valuable than others.” This message chips away at whatever fragile self-esteem you have left.
Redefining “Selfish”: It’s Not About Harming Others, It’s About Healing Yourself
Let’s reframe “selfishness” in this context. We’re not talking about malicious disregard for others. We’re talking about self-preservation, self-care, and self-respect. It’s about recognising that you are a valuable individual whose needs deserve to be met, just like anyone else’s. It’s about drawing a line in the sand and saying, “My well-being is important, and I need to tend to it.”
Here’s why this redefined “selfishness” is imperative for rebuilding self-confidence:
- It Teaches You to Prioritise Your Needs
When you deliberately choose to put your needs first – whether it’s saying no to an invitation when you need rest, taking time for a hobby you love, or declining a request that will overextend you – you start to internalise a crucial message: “I matter.” This isn’t just a mental exercise; it’s a practical demonstration to yourself that your well-being is a priority. Each small act of self-prioritisation is a brick in the foundation of renewed self-worth.
- It Strengthens Your Boundaries
Low self-esteem often comes with weak or non-existent boundaries. People walk all over you because you haven’t given them a reason not to. “Selfishness” in this context means asserting your boundaries:
- “I can’t take on that extra project right now.”
- “I need some quiet time this evening.”
- “That comment made me uncomfortable.”
Setting boundaries is a powerful act of self-respect. It communicates to others (and more importantly, to yourself) that you have limits, and those limits are to be respected. Each boundary you successfully uphold is a win for your self-confidence.
- It Allows You to Recharge and Reconnect with Yourself
When you’re constantly giving, you become empty. A “selfish” act might be taking an afternoon to read a book, go for a walk in nature, or simply sit in silence. These moments aren’t frivolous; they’re essential for mental and emotional replenishment. When you recharge, you have more energy, clarity, and resilience, which are all vital ingredients for building confidence. You reconnect with your own thoughts, desires, and identity, separate from what others expect of you.
- It Cultivates Authenticity
People with low self-esteem often wear a mask, trying to be what they think others want them to be. This is exhausting and inauthentic. “Selfishness” encourages you to peel back that mask. It means expressing your true opinions (even if they differ from others), pursuing your genuine interests (even if they’re not popular), and making choices that align with your values, not just to gain approval. Authenticity is a cornerstone of true confidence. When you are truly yourself, you become comfortable in your own skin.
- It Builds Self-Trust
Every time you act “selfishly” by honouring your needs, setting a boundary, or making a choice for your own good, you are building self-trust. You are showing yourself that you are reliable, that you will protect yourself, and that you are capable of making decisions that serve your highest good. This internal trust is the bedrock of robust self-esteem.
Practical Steps to Embrace Healthy “Selfishness”
So, how do you start being “selfish” in a healthy, self-esteem-building way?
- Start Small: Don’t overhaul your life overnight. Begin with small acts. Say “no” to one request this week that you would normally accept. Take 15 minutes for yourself each day, guilt-free.
- Identify Your Needs: What do you truly need more of? Rest? Alone time? Creative expression? Social connection? Make a list.
- Practise Saying “No”: It’s a complete sentence. You don’t need elaborate excuses. “No, I can’t,” or “I’m not available,” is perfectly acceptable.
- Schedule “Me Time”: Treat it like an important appointment. Block out time in your calendar for activities that rejuvenate you.
- Let Go of Guilt: This is perhaps the hardest part. Remind yourself that you cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself allows you to be a better friend, partner, parent, or colleague in the long run.
- Communicate Assertively: Instead of passively accepting, express your needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully. “I appreciate you asking, but I won’t be able to help with that today.”
The Ripple Effect
Paradoxically, as you become more “selfish” in this healthy way, your relationships often improve. When you have strong boundaries and a solid sense of self, you bring a more authentic, energised, and resilient version of yourself to the table. You become less resentful and more genuinely able to give when you choose to, rather than when you feel obligated.
Embracing this healthy form of “selfishness” isn’t about becoming self-absorbed or cruel. It’s about recognising your inherent worth, honouring your own existence, and filling your own cup first. It’s the courageous act of self-love that allows your self-esteem to blossom, ultimately empowering you to show up more fully and authentically in all areas of your life.
It’s time to reclaim your power. It’s time to be a little “selfish.” Your self-confidence will thank you for it.
Have questions? Drop me a comment below or reach out directly—I’m happy to help! www.russellrkedwards.com
Please take care and know that you can beat this – Russell
