Confidence can be compared to a battery: it’s something that we either run out of or need to recharge. We spend millions on self-help books and gym memberships in an attempt to feel that we are good enough. But could it be that the reason we struggle with confidence isn’t that we lack it, but that we are looking for it in the wrong place?
In the world of cognitive behavioural coaching and self-acceptance therapy, there is a profound distinction that can change the way you view yourself forever. It is the concept of Big I and little i.
Your self-worth doesn’t depend on your looks, the car you drive or the job you’re in. If you’re a person who thinks that it does then you’re setting yourself up to be vulnerable and fragile as all of these things are temporary and can be taken away from you. Understanding Big I and little i will allow you to totally change your mindset and save you from a lifetime of misery.
So what is Big I and little i?
The little i: Your Attributes and Actions
The little i represents all your specific qualities and attributes. For example the roles you play, the skills you have, the mistakes you make, and the traits you possess.
- Performance: Your grades, your salary, your sales targets.
- Roles: Being a parent, a spouse, an employee, a friend.
- Appearance: Your fitness level, your style, your physical features.
- Behaviours: That awkward thing you said at dinner, or the brilliant presentation you gave on Tuesday.
We all have thousands of little i’s and these are observable, measurable, and most importantly variable. That’s because they are constantly in a state of flux and may change due to something as simple as the day, your mood, your health, and the degree of effort that you put in.
The Big I: Your entire being
The Big I is your totality and is the container that holds all the little i’s. It is your inherent value as a human being, which is constant and indivisible.
Think of the Big I as a diamond and the little i’s as the facets of that diamond. A single facet might get a bit of mud on it, or it might be momentarily dull because of the lighting, but the diamond itself remains a diamond. Its value is not determined by one specific angle; it is determined by the fact that it exists as a whole.
The Confidence Trap: Living in the little i
The reason so many people suffer from confidence issues is that they have misunderstood this concept and have mistakenly equated one or two negative little i’s to their entire sense of self (Big I).
For example if you believe that you are a failure because you lost your job you are making a mathematical error. You are taking one little i (employment status) and letting it define the Big I (your total worth). Human beings are too complex to be judged globally as being totally inadequate, so learning the Big I, little i helps put things into perspective and acts as an aid in boosting your self-confidence.
The Fragility of Performance-Based Worth
If your confidence is based on being intelligent, what happens when you meet someone more intelligent than you? Your confidence collapses. If your confidence is based on being good looking what happens when you start to age? You enter a state of perpetual anxiety.
If you live exclusively in the little i, you’ll find that you’re constantly putting yourself under pressure and feeling anxious because every social interaction is a verdict. Every mistake is a sentence. This leads to:
- Perfectionism: You become afraid of making mistakes because if you do, this feels like an attack on your very existence.
- Social Anxiety: You become afraid because you believe that others are judging your Big I based on your little i performance.
- Procrastination: You become afraid to try things because if you don’t try, you can’t fail and therefore your Big I stays safe.
Why This Distinction is the Cure for Low Confidence
By separating Big I from little i, you create a psychological buffer because you move from a state of Self-Rating to a state of Self-Acceptance.
- It Separates Your Worth from Your Achievement
When you understand the Big I, you realise that it’s impossible to rate you globally and that it’s not something you earn. You were born with a Big I, and you will die with it. Whether you win a Nobel Prize or spend the day on the sofa, your Big I remains unchanged, no matter what you do and how many mistakes you make. All humans are individuals and no too are the same.
Do you see the impossibility of judging the totality of one person as being superior to that of another person? It simply isn’t logical, realistic or helpful for us to do this. As mentioned earlier, human beings are far too complex for this to be possible.
However, now that you understand that we are all born with a Big I this doesn’t mean that you stop trying and rest on your laurels. But what it does mean is that you stop needing to prove yourself time and time again to feel validated as a person. This actually improves performance because you are no longer paralysed by the fear of losing your worth.
- It Allows for Objective Self-Correction
Imagine you fail a driving test. There are two ways of looking at this:
- Without making the distinction between Big I and little i : ‘I am a loser. I’m so stupid. I’ll never get this.’ (Big I collapse).
- With the distinction: ‘my little i’ of driving skills just needs more work. I failed the test, but I am still a valuable person who just needs more practise.’ (little i adjustment).
This is extremely important because when you are able to protect the Big I, you can look at your little i’s objectively. You find yourself able to admit you’re bad at maths, or that you were rude to a friend, without criticising yourself and falling into the trap of self-hatred. You can fix the behaviour because your intrinsic value as a person isn’t under threat.
- It Ends the Comparison Game
There will always be someone with better little i’s than you and that’s just a fact of life: someone richer, better at playing tennis, better looking, or more charismatic. But you have to remember that these are just individual little i’s.
However, there is no such thing as a better Big I. Human worth is not a ladder; it’s a level playing field. Once you stop trying to rank your Big I against others, the urge to constantly compare yourself to people on social media begins to wither away. You learn to accept and appreciate yourself, and this in turn boosts your self-confidence.
How to Apply Big I / Little i in Daily Life
Shifting your mindset from little i to Big I takes practise. Here is a roadmap to help you implement this concept when your confidence takes a hit.
Step 1: Catch the Generalisation
Listen to your internal monologue. Are you using ‘Global Labels’? By this I mean using absolute terms such as labelling:
- Global Label: ‘I am socially inadequate.’ (Big I)
- Specific Fact: ‘I felt nervous during that five-minute conversation, but that’s ok.’ (little i)
Whenever you find yourself using the words ‘I am…’ followed by a negative quality, stop. That’s simply not true because you are trying to define the whole container by just one of its contents.
Step 2: Use the Facet Visualisation
When you feel embarrassed or feel that you’re not good enough visualise yourself as that diamond mentioned earlier. See the specific event that’s making you feel this way, for example the hesitation, the rejection, the bad hair day as a tiny speck of dust on one facet. Does the dust change the molecular structure of the diamond? No. It’s just something to be wiped off or ignored. The diamond is still the diamond.
Step 3: Affirm the Big I, Work on the Little i
This is the most powerful habit you can develop. Repeat a few times daily this affirmation . You will find that in time your brain will become rewired and start to believe the words:
‘I completely and unconditionally accept myself (Big I), even though I performed poorly in that meeting (Little i). Because I accept myself, I am going to look at how I can improve my presentation skills for next time.’
Notice how this includes accountability. Self-acceptance isn’t about making excuses for bad behaviour. It’s about creating a safe internal environment where you can actually fix bad behaviour without being crushed by shame.
The Paradox: Why This Makes You More Successful
It sounds counterintuitive. Won’t I stop trying if I believe my worth is already set?
Actually, the opposite happens. Most people are held back by Ego-Defensiveness. When your self-worth is being threatened, you take fewer risks. You stay in your comfort zone because the little i failure feels like a Big I death.
When you embrace the Big I, you become psychologically bulletproof. You can take the risk, ask for the promotion, or start the hobby, because you know that even if you fail at the little i level, you are still perfectly ok at the Big I level.
Final Thoughts: The Journey Inward
Confidence issues are rarely about a lack of skill; they are about a confusion of identity. We have been conditioned by a society from birth to believe that we are our jobs, our relationships, our looks etc. But this is false.
The Big I / Little i concept is a tool for liberation. It allows you to step off the treadmill of proving yourself and start expressing yourself.
The next time you feel that familiar sting of inadequacy, take a deep breath and remember: You are the container, not the contents. You are the sky, not the weather. Your Big I is whole, complete, and non-negotiable. Everything else is just a little i that you’re working on.
Have questions? Drop me a comment below or reach out directly—I’m happy to help! www.russellrkedwards.com
Please take care and know that you can beat this – Russell
