Why Other People’s Opinions Are Not Your Business
This has happened to all of us at some point: you walk into a room and suddenly you feel as though every single person is staring at you, zooming in on your insecurities. For hours afterwards you replay this image in your head, constantly analysing everything you said until you convince yourself that you’ve made a fool of yourself. In future you decide to stay quiet for fear of saying the wrong thing and being judged negatively for it.
When you struggle with low self-esteem, it feels as though the world is constantly judging you and that you’re constantly on trial. But here is the secret that can change your life: The jury isn’t actually watching. And even if they were, their verdict doesn’t have the power to define who you are.
You’re far better than the version of yourself that you’ve created for yourself based on the opinions that you imagine that other people have of you. Now it’s time to stop caring about what other people might or might not think about you and to start living for you.
The Spotlight Effect: You Are Your Own Biggest Critic
The first step in no longer caring what other people think about you is to realise this simple truth: people are far more obsessed with themselves than they are with you.
Psychologists call this the Spotlight Effect and what it means is that we tend to think that we are at the centre of everyone’s universe, and that they are fixated on us and are only interested in judging us and exposing our flaws and inadequacies. But in reality people have far too much going on in their own lives to be concerned about us. Most people probably aren’t even aware of us, let alone judging us.
Just think about it, how many times have you spent your evening judging a stranger because of their clothes or their physical appearance? Probably never because you were too busy worrying about whether your own clothes looked okay. When you understand that what you perceive as being judged or scrutinised is nothing of the sort the weight on your shoulders begins to lift.
Their Opinion is a Mirror, Not a Fact
When someone does form an opinion of you, you need to remember that their view of you is shaped by their own life experiences, biases, and moods.
If a person is unhappy with themselves, they will see the world through negative eyes. If they judge you as being inadequate or inferior what they are actually doing is manifesting their own anxieties and insecurities and projecting them onto you.
Their opinion of you is a reflection of themselves, not a true definition of you. But when you’re suffering from confidence issues and low self-esteem it can become so difficult to acknowledge this truth. It is impossible to rate any person globally because we are all complex, multifaceted human beings with depths that other people will never see. Why should you let a two-dimensional snapshot taken by a stranger or an acquaintance dictate how you feel about your entire self?
You Are Already “Enough”
Low self-esteem comes from feeling that we aren’t good enough. This feeling is exacerbated when we look at other people who appear to be everything that we’re not: they have great reels on social media that make them look outgoing, they have a confident walk, they appear relaxed and find it easy to laugh. This leads us to believe that they have some secret ingredient that we lack.
But confidence isn’t the absence of fear or the presence of perfection. Confidence is simply the decision that your own approval matters more than theirs. You have to be able to love and accept yourself and to know that you are good enough just as you are. You don’t need to compete with anyone else. You don’t need to change in order to fit in and be accepted.
You are just as good as anyone else. You are a unique individual; there is no one else in the world identical to you. You have your own unique thoughts and a specific way of looking at the world that no one else does. You are kind and compassionate and have many wonderful qualities, but people who don’t know you can’t possibly know this about you. How could they?
All these things make you better than the cycle of worry you’re trapped in. You are better than the low expectations you’ve set for yourself, so it’s time to start doing something about it. You need to change your mindset and stop worrying about what others think of you. For many years I was just like you, but then I changed. Now my motto is “I don’t worry about other people, I let them worry about me.”
How to Start Choosing Yourself
Changing a lifetime of people-pleasing and self-doubt won’t happen overnight. This is something that needs to be worked on slowly and methodically, so here are a few tips to get you started:
- Audit Your Inner Circle: Surround yourself with positive people who treat you with respect and make you feel good. Distance yourself from negative people who have a habit of criticising you. You don’t need them in your life.
- Practise Being Brave: Be authentic in everything you do and dress and act in a manner that makes you feel happy. Dare to speak up in a meeting (your voice does matter) or wear that blouse that you love but that others have said doesn’t suit you. You’ll find that the world doesn’t crumble when you show up as yourself.
- Validate Yourself: Instead of waiting for someone to tell you that you did a good job, tell yourself. Literally. Look in the mirror and acknowledge a win, no matter how small.
- Accept Imperfection: You will mess up. You will be awkward. You will say the wrong thing, but that is okay, because you’re allowed to be less than perfect. Perfection is a boring, unreachable standard. Authenticity is much more attractive.
The Cost of Living for Others
Every minute you spend worrying about what someone else thinks about you is a minute you aren’t spending discovering what you think.
When you live for the approval of others, you are essentially handing them the remote control to your happiness. If they smile, you’re up; if they frown, you’re down. That is an exhausting way to live. You deserve to be the one in control of your own emotional state.
Imagine what you could accomplish if you redirected all that “worry energy” into your hobbies, your passions, or simply your own peace of mind. You have so much potential locked away behind the fear of being judged. It’s time to unlock the door.
A Final Thought: You Are Your Own Home
At the end of the day, you are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life. Other people will come and go. Their opinions will shift like the wind. If you build your house on the foundation of their approval, it will always be shaking.
But if you build your house on the foundation of self-acceptance, you become unshakeable.
You are worthy of space. You are worthy of being heard. You are allowed to be “under construction” while still being a masterpiece. Stop looking at yourself through the eyes of people who don’t even know your story. Look at yourself through your own eyes: eyes that know your struggles, your triumphs, and your heart.
You are better than the fear. You are better than the whispers. You are enough, exactly as you are.
Have questions? Drop me a comment below or reach out directly—I’m happy to help! www.russellrkedwards.com
Please take care and know that you can beat this – Russell
