Blog 7
Why Regaining Self-Confidence is Harder After 40
My name is Russell Edwards and for many years I suffered terribly from confidence issues, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. Fortunately, through studying and educating myself I was able to break free from the debilitating cycle of constant self-doubt and self-hatred. I now help others do the same as a confidence coach and have started to write a series of informative and helpful blogs.
The journey of self-confidence is rarely a straight line. It ebbs and flows throughout life, driven by our achievements, relationships, and self-perception. Yet, for many, the years past 40 mark a significant inflection point—a time when the forces that challenge self-confidence seem to intensify, and the process of rebuilding it becomes a more complex, formidable task. It’s not that it’s impossible, but the groundwork for self-esteem laid in the earlier decades faces a unique, multifaceted challenge in midlife and beyond.
The difficulty in regaining confidence after 40 stems from a convergence of profound, simultaneous changes: shifting societal value, biological changes, career plateaus, and a deep, often unsettling, re-evaluation of one’s life narrative.
The Weight of Societal Devaluation
One of the most insidious challenges is the diminishment of societal value, particularly in a youth-obsessed culture. For women, the societal emphasis on youth and beauty often begins to erode confidence as physical changes associated with ageing become more apparent. Industries built around “anti-ageing” profit from and amplify these insecurities. For both men and women, the workplace often shifts its focus to younger generations, whose skills are perceived as more aligned with new technologies and trends. This phenomenon, sometimes called ageism or obsolescence, can severely impact one’s professional self-competence.
- Appearance Pressure: The divergence between one’s natural ageing appearance and the cultural ideal of eternal youth can trigger significant body image issues and a drop in self-acceptance.
- Workplace Relevance: Career challenges like redundancy, feeling “boxed in,” or becoming a mentor rather than the primary achiever can make people feel their expertise and years of experience are no longer valued, directly impacting professional self-esteem.
The Midlife Reckoning: A Crisis of Identity and Regret
The period around 40 to 60 is often characterized by a profound period of self-reflection, colloquially known as a “midlife crisis,” which is essentially a transition of identity and self-confidence. In earlier life, self-worth is often tied to a predictable trajectory: education, career progression, forming a family. By midlife, many of those external “boxes” are ticked, leading to a crucial question: “Is this all there is?”
- The Review of Unaccomplished Goals: The realisation of one’s finite mortality—the sense that time is “growing short”—brings forward a deep sense of remorse for goals that have not been accomplished. This introspective review can fuel the inner critic, leading to self-judgement and shame. The gap between the younger self’s dreams and the present reality becomes a significant source of low confidence.
- Loss of Defined Roles: Life transitions—such as children leaving home (empty nest), retirement, or the death of ageing parents—can strip away long-held roles that served as the foundation of identity and purpose. Losing the identity of “full-time parent” or “respected senior manager” can leave an inner emptiness and a profound loss of self-worth.
- The Paradox of Control: Midlife also brings the stressful realisation of greater individual control over one’s life than in younger or later years. This increased responsibility to define one’s own future, without the clear social roadmaps of early adulthood, can be overwhelming and contribute to anxiety and self-doubt.
Biological and Psychological Barriers
Beyond social and existential factors, the very mechanisms of self-confidence can be hampered by biological and psychological shifts that occur in the fifth decade of life.
- Hormonal and Health Changes: For women, perimenopause and menopause, with their associated hormonal fluctuations, can bring physical symptoms (such as sleep disruption, weight changes, and mood swings) that directly affect physical well-being and mental resilience. For both genders, a slowdown in metabolism, increasing health concerns, and potential declines in physical capabilities can lead to a feeling of being less “capable” or “vibrant.” Physical health and self-confidence are deeply connected; as one declines, the other often follows.
- The Power of the Inner Critic: Years of relying on “fragile confidence”—confidence heavily dependent on external validation (success, approval, achievement)—mean that as external successes become fewer or less novel, the deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, masked by prior achievements, begin to surface. The internal dialogue can become increasingly harsh and judgemental.
- The Fear of Failure and Certainty: Younger people are often more comfortable with experimentation and failure as a learning process. After 40, one has a lifetime of experience, which can be a double-edged sword. The brain, seeking certainty and safety, often defaults to avoiding new ventures. Taking a risk—like starting a new business or learning a completely new skill—feels more threatening because there is an unspoken entitlement to success at this age, and the fear of “looking silly” or failing feels more consequential and shameful.
The Road to a Secure, Lasting Confidence
Regaining self-confidence after 40 requires a conscious effort to move away from the external metrics that defined youth and toward an internal, more authentic source of self-worth. It is a process of re-learning and re-evaluating.
- Embracing Self-Acceptance Over Perfection: The key shift is realizing that confidence is not a requirement to do something, but the by-product of doing the thing. Instead of waiting to feel confident, one must act. This requires silencing the inner critic and building a foundation of self-acceptance—acknowledging that mistakes are human and have no impact on one’s inherent worth.
- Redefining Purpose and Value: This stage of life is an opportunity for an “inward turn” towards wholeness. It means redefining core values that are no longer tied to external achievements but to internal fulfilment—like wisdom, generativity (contributing to the next generation), or pursuing passions. It requires connecting with one’s intuition and desires, not just external expectations.
- Prioritising Holistic Self-Care: Proactive health, including physical activity, good nutrition, and rest, becomes critical. Simple habits like regular exercise improve mood, energy, and a sense of control, which inherently boost confidence. Furthermore, seeking supportive social networks can combat the loneliness and isolation that frequently accompany midlife changes.
- Challenging the Age Narrative: Actively rejecting the negative stereotypes of ageing is vital. By adopting a mindset of “incline rather than decline,” individuals focus on the upsides of age, such as greater emotional stability, wisdom, better decision-making skills, and newfound freedom, rather than dwelling on perceived losses.
In conclusion, regaining self-confidence after 40 is harder not because of any inherent weakness, but because the foundation of that confidence—roles, appearance, societal approval, and the sheer volume of life transitions—is simultaneously challenged on multiple fronts. It is a necessary and painful unravelling that ultimately offers a rare opportunity: to build a more secure, authentic, and lasting sense of self-worth that is internally driven, rather than externally validated. This second half of life, though demanding, can be a transition into a time of true personal power and insight.
If you’re struggling from a crisis of confidence and don’t know where to turn, I’m here to help. I know exactly how you feel because I was once just like you. If you’re suffering from confidence issues, low self-esteem or social anxiety then please get in touch. The good news is you will be able to get back on track. If I did it, you can too.
Take care and always believe in yourself – Russell
