We have all been there. A colleague makes a passive-aggressive comment during a meeting, a friend disguised as a critic takes a jab at your appearance, or a stranger snaps at you for a minor inconvenience. In those moments, a common instinct is to swallow the discomfort. We tell ourselves we are being the bigger person, that we are keeping the peace, or that it simply isn’t worth the hassle of answering back and pointing out to the other person that they have been rude.
However, there is a profound difference between choosing your battles and consistently allowing others to treat you with disrespect. When you allow rudeness to go unchallenged, you aren’t just avoiding a temporary conflict; you are gradually allowing your self-esteem to be eroded.
Understanding why it is so wrong to allow others to be rude to you isn’t about becoming oversensitive and confrontational; it’s about recognising that your self-esteem is incredibly important for your mental health, and protecting it is your most fundamental responsibility.
The Silent Message of Permissiveness
Every interaction we have is a form of negotiation. We are constantly teaching people how to treat us. When someone is rude and we respond with a polite smile or downward gaze, we are sending a clear, albeit unintentional, message: “My feelings are secondary to your comfort.”
Psychologically, this creates a feedback loop. By not setting a boundary, you validate the other person’s behaviour. They learn that their rudeness carries no social or emotional cost, making them more likely to repeat it. More damagingly, you begin to internalise this dynamic. If you wouldn’t allow someone to speak that way to a person you truly love and respect, why are you allowing them to speak that way to you?
By accepting rudeness, you are essentially agreeing with the aggressor’s unspoken premise: that you are a valid target for their frustration, ego, or malice.
The Erosion of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem isn’t a static trait; it is a living thing that requires nourishment. It is built on a sense of the belief that you can handle life and the belief that you are worthy of love and respect. Consistent exposure to unchallenged rudeness attacks both of these premises.
- The Internalisation of the “Critic”
When someone is rude to you, they are projecting their internal state onto you. However, if you don’t react, those external words often become internal thoughts. Over time, the “You’re so incompetent” or the “Why are you even here?” starts to sound like your own voice. This is how “imposter syndrome” and chronic self-doubt are born: they are often just the echoes of other people’s rudeness that we failed to silence.
- The Loss of Personal Agency
Self-esteem thrives on the feeling that we have control over our lives. When we allow others to walk over our emotional boundaries, we surrender that control. We become reactors rather than actors. This leads to a sense of powerlessness, which is the antithesis of high self-esteem. You begin to see yourself as a victim of your environment rather than the architect of it.
- The Stress of Suppressed Emotion
Tolerating rudeness requires a massive amount of emotional energy. You have to suppress your natural anger, rationalise the other person’s behaviour, and manage the sting of the insult. This emotional labour is exhausting. Chronic suppression leads to increased cortisol levels, anxiety, and a lingering sense of resentment. It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are constantly carrying the weight of unexpressed feelings.
The “Bigger Person” Fallacy
One of the greatest obstacles to standing up for ourselves is the cultural myth of the “bigger person.” We are taught that staying silent in the face of rudeness is a sign of maturity. While it is true that you shouldn’t scream back at a screaming person, “taking it” is not the same as being “big.”
True maturity is the ability to communicate a boundary firmly and calmly. Saying, “I don’t appreciate that tone, and I’d like to continue this conversation when we can be more respectful,” is significantly more “mature” than seething in silence.
When we hide behind the “bigger person” label, we are often just rebranding our fear of conflict. Real self-esteem comes from the courage to protect your peace, even if it makes the other person uncomfortable for a moment.
The Social Ripple Effect
It is also wrong to allow rudeness because of the impact it has on your relationships. If you allow a friend to be rude to you, you aren’t actually helping the friendship. You are building a wall of resentment. Eventually, that wall will become so high that the relationship will collapse anyway, but it will do so after months or years of you feeling diminished.
Furthermore, by standing up for yourself, you often provide a “permission slip” for others to do the same. In workplaces or families where one person is habitually rude, it only takes one person saying “No” to shift the entire power dynamic. Protecting your self-esteem is, in a way, an act of service to everyone else in that environment.
Reclaiming Your Space: How to Start
If you have spent years being the “nice person” who lets things slide, changing your response will feel terrifying at first. Your heart might race, and your voice might shake. That’s okay. The goal isn’t to become a bully; the goal is to become your own advocate.
- Identify the “Sting”: The moment you feel that “pit in your stomach” after someone says something, acknowledge it. Don’t brush it off. That feeling is your self-esteem’s alarm system.
- The Power of the Pause: You don’t need a witty response. A simple, “What did you mean by that?” or “That was a very unkind thing to say,” is often enough to make a rude person backtrack.
- Value the Relationship with Yourself Most: Remember that your relationship with yourself is the only one that is guaranteed to last your entire life. If you have to choose between someone liking you and you liking yourself, choose yourself every single time.
Final Thoughts
- Allowing others to be rude to you is not a virtue; it is a slow-acting poison for your self-worth. You are the gatekeeper of your own dignity. When you stop allowing people to treat you poorly, you might lose some people, but you will find yourself. And that is a trade-off you should be willing to make every day.
Have questions? Drop me a comment below or reach out directly—I’m happy to help! www.russellrkedwards.com
Please take care and know that you can beat this – Russell
